New House, Old Fears

Isn't that the most beautiful hallway you've ever seen? That is the hallway in our soon-to-be NEW house!! We started looking around at homes a few months ago, just to see what was out there. We currently live in a two-story Colonial home (that we LOVE), but the bedrooms are all on the second floor. Waverly has gotten a lot bigger the past year (36 pounds now!), and it simply got unsafe to be carrying her up and down the steps. We ended up finding a home that we loved, that had all the bedrooms on the main level and had hardwood floors, and was in our price range! We close on the house this week.

Of course, with the new house, and the changes that come with it, old fears are surfacing for me. I first experienced these types of fears back when I was working full time and was finally able to quit my job. It was VERY needed, as it was so hard to work full time and feel like I wasn't able to be here with her (and my older two). I was stressed trying to get to her appointments, and when she was sick and I had to leave her and couldn't be there with her, it broke my heart. And my heart was especially broken over missing time with her, knowing that our time with her is limited anyway.

But as the time to quit that job approached, I got this terrible fear. I wondered, if NOW that I had quit, if NOW was the time for her to spiral downward. What if my quitting was the "perfect storm", opportunity for her to pass? I of course did NOT want to keep working full time away from her and miss time with her. But I was so scared of her passing, and then looking back in retrospect and realizing it was so great that I had quit so that I had that little bit of extra time with her. I don't even know if that makes sense. It didn't help that the very month after I quit, she got very, very sick.

But here I am again, struggling through some of the same emotions. What if we finally decided we needed to make some more permanent environmental changes (by moving into a handicap accessible home), only to find out that she ends up passing away before or shortly after we move?

What if we buy this house for our daughter and she isn't here to be in it for long? 

And that is a haunting, aching fear to carry. I know it seems irrational, and why in the world would I even think such terrible thoughts, and don't I know that it's silly to borrow trouble that isn't even there? But I can't help those fears from creeping up and gripping me when I least expect it.

I take those fears to my Father, though. He knows my struggles in this journey, and it is no surprise to Him.

Would you rejoice with us in this good news, but also help carry me in this struggle? And if you are local, and can lend a hand to us with moving help, please let me know!