Left Behind

I wrote this exactly a month ago today, just after we went on vacation. And I have debated since whether or not to post it. But there's a happy follow-up to it, so here goes. 

---------------------------------------------------

 

We left her behind.

Sometimes, it's hard not to feel like I'm doing the wrong thing. Sometimes, there's just no "good" decision. That's how this past week felt. It was our yearly family vacation to the beach. We at first were planning to take Waverly along, but as the time got closer and we started to make arrangements, it just didn't feel right. A 6 hour car ride, plus camping in a pop-up, just felt like too much to ask of her. 

 

Last year my husband and I swapped places. He went for the first half of the week, drove back home mid-week, and I left to spend the rest of the week. It was not ideal, but we at least felt like we each had some time with the older kids to love on and focus on them, as well as enjoy a little vacation ourselves. But we missed that time together. 

 

This year, because of God's grace and our wonderful nurses, we were able to use some of our respite hours and get 24-hour coverage so the 4 of us could go while Waverly remained home and was cared for. And it was wonderful, but my heart broke the entire time. Johnny and the kids went down on Saturday, and I joined them on Monday. 

 

That afternoon, shortly after I arrived at the beach, the 4 of us walked down there together, and I cried. I missed my girl and doubted the decision to leave her home. What if she would have been fine and it would have worked out, but we left her behind instead? I hate the splitting up that we have to do all the time, and I was painfully aware of it this week.

And honestly, there is an element of shame that I feel.
I feel guilty for the decision.
I feel bad that she was left behind.
I didn't take any "family" pictures at the beach because it wasn't our whole family there.
I felt like there wasn't any "good" decision.
I cringed every time someone said "Oh how wonderful!" when we told them our plans. Because it wasn't wonderful. It was sad. And it was hard.
But I am thankful. And it was also good. This life can be so confusing sometimes. It's hard to know what to feel, because everything has two sides and both are very valid and felt poignant.