Heart Thoughts

This Christmas season has been hard for me.  Lately I've been dealing with a lot of fear again.  Every time I turn around, I hear of someone else being sick.  Often it's people we've been around.  And I freeze, and my stomach churns, gripped with the "what ifs".  I question if we are doing the right thing by being out as much and seeing people like we do.  I mean, we try to be smart and are very cautious to not be around people who have the slightest hint of not being well, and ask people to wash their hands and use sanitizer, but we are still exposed.  And I can only expect so much from my three-year-old and almost-five-year-old.  I feel so bad when I get upset with them for not washing their hands before touching Waverly, or for being in her face, or for eating or drinking after other kids, etc.  But it's not fair.  They are, after all, kids (and quite young ones at that!).

But the fear is there.  And it's more than just fear of germs and that first big sickness.  It's fear about the future.  Because it's likely at some point that one big sickness will be "THE" one.  I can't imagine what that will be like.  Nor do I want to.

I am afraid of things changing, and not being prepared.  I want life to be easy and consistent for my family.  For dinner to be prepared, the house to be clean, for mommy to be the one to be doing the most caring for the kids.  And if and when sickness happens, all that will change in an instant.

I have been anxious about Christmas day approaching, literally wishing away the time to Christmas day, not because I am so excited, but because it will mean we made it through and that we're all healthy and able to enjoy the day.  Of any day, we all want Christmas to be perfect.  But as I'm slowly realizing, it's just one more thing that I think I can control by having the perfect gifts, food, decorations, etc., but really can't.

I hate not being in control.

But that's one of the greatest lies that life will hand you, that you ever had any control to begin with.

I feel guilty that I place so much importance on perfection, preparation, and control.  Somehow I believe the lie that if everything is perfect and good for the kids, that they will be happy, stable, well behaved, and will have a good life. 

But the truth is that I can't protect them. 

You'd think I'd know that, as I wasn't able to protect Waverly from her condition.  There was nothing that I did or didn't do to cause her to be born like this.  It was out of my control.  And it happened.

Things happen all the time that are beyond our control.  But that doesn't change the truth of who God is.  And the truth is that if and when things do happen that are hard and beyond our control and not ideal, that He is big enough to handle it and get us through, and that no matter what, He is good, so good.  

And as we celebrate this Christmas season, I keep thinking of a song I heard on the radio a while back.  For the life of me I can't find what song it is or who sings it or even the actual lyrics, but the line that caused tears to well in my eyes went something like this:

"Someday this baby boy will make all sad things untrue."

So even as we celebrate His coming all those years ago as a baby, we look for His coming again, where all things will be made new, and He will indeed make all sad things untrue.