Heart Thoughts-Rambling

So, I recognize that I haven't done any Heart Thoughts posts for a while (the last one was in October!).  To be honest, I have had lots of heart thoughts, but just haven't been able to get them all together in the form of a blog post.  I write things all the time in my head, but by the time I get to sit down to try to write, I just don't have the time, energy, or mental clarity.  I don't want to sound depressing, but I also want to be real.  I want to communicate what life is really like, at least mostly, so that when you see our smiling faces and cute dressed kids, you know there are still hard things in the background, and when you see our tired faces and ragged kids, you know there are blessings in the background as well.  So here are some ramblings of what's been on my mind.

We've been doing ok.  We have good days and bad days.  I still struggle when people comment on how well Waverly is doing.  Yes, she's doing wonderfully, considering what could be.  Sometimes (oftentimes) I have to choose to focus on what they see as good (she's growing, seizures have stopped, she's able to taste some foods, her smile has returned) instead of on the darker side of reality (um, her brain isn't fully formed for one (!), she eats through a feeding tube, the seizures could return any time, she can't roll over or sit up or play purposefully with toys, etc.).

Someone from our nursing agency came out yesterday to do a regularly scheduled home visit.  She brought with her one of the office personnel, because they are wanting to get them out into the client's homes to see real faces with names, who they are servicing, etc.  I am glad they are doing that, but it was also a little hard knowing I was on "that" end of it, the poor family with the sick baby and two older yet still small children to care for as well.  The haggard mom who needs help with her high needs, terminal kid.  See the mess?  See the handful of a three-year-old?  See the circles under her eyes?  This is who we help.  That's the end I was on.  

I've had a hard time with the Christmas season being here.  I keep wondering if this will be her one and only experience with Christmas, or how many she does have with us.  Again, the wondering and sadness don't accomplish anything, so I have to choose not to dwell on that, but the thoughts still happen, and it's hard.  It's hard seeing baby toys in the store and not knowing what to get for my baby, who won't play with those toys.

Today the kids went off to school, and I didn't even see them.  I was in bed because I was just so tired.  (I only slept 4 hours the previous night.)  I didn't get to check their backpacks, kiss them goodbye, help them with their coats.  I have no idea what K's hair looks like.  And I feel bad.  Because I bet most of the kids who went to school this morning had moms that saw them off.  

But there are blessings too.  So many blessings.  The friends and family in our lives that give us so much help and support.  The ladies in my Bible study who blessed me with gift cards, just for me, to communicate I'm not in this alone.  The nurse that we have here every day during the week, giving such good care for our baby, and me a breather and the ability to rest or spend time with the big kids.  Another Christmas season to celebrate, surrounded by family and friends, gifts to give and gifts to receive, celebrating our Lord and watching it come alive and real for our children as they grow older and understand more.  A husband who was available and willing to get up with the kids, get them fed, dressed, and drive them to school so that I could catch up on some much needed sleep.  A warm home and bed to sleep in.  Medical care for Waverly (even if it means tons of appointments!).

There are also little blessings that are not to be overlooked every day as well.  If you open your eyes to them, they are everywhere.  The way the grass sparkles with the frost on every blade.  The twinkle of the Christmas lights.  The way Waverly wiggles her little toes when she's awake and happy.  The smell of coffee in the morning.  My little man's sweet, tight hugs.  My growing girl sitting on my lap to read books yesterday.  My husband's strong hands.  God's grace to wake up this morning, a new day.  All blessings.