Well, we had a rough night last night. Not anything terrible or scary, but she was just really unsettled and awake a lot. Pretty much since 3a.m. on she was fussing on and off. Finally, I brought her to our bed and held her against me, and she drifted off to sleep (in between bouts of grunting and wiggling in discomfort).
And as I lay there, I had to give thanks. Thanks for a bed to lay in, blankets to keep warm, my husband right there by my side, holding me as I held our baby, for the milk donated by loving women to sustain and nourish our baby, for medication to help her in the midst of her complications, even if they do cause side effects, for this sweet baby to hold and love, for however long God chooses to give her to us. I was overwhelmed with thankfulness.
And as I sit here typing this now, she is lying next to me, fussing because of the prednisone again. I hate that there's nothing that I can do to comfort her, to make her feel better. I hated watching her seize early this morning and then again a little later on, knowing that I can't do anything to stop it.
The other day I just asked her to give it to me. I'd take it for her if I could. I don't know that I would handle it as well as she has, or be as strong as she is, but I'd sure try. Even if for just one day, to give her a break.
My heart is both thankful and broken so much of the time. I oscillate between the two, and can't ever find a resting ground. I long for heaven, to not have to be in the broken place. But until then, I will strive to find the joy in all situations, and will allow my heart to break for the things it should.
Our hearts should break for the pain and hurt, for the fallen things in this world that remind us that this is not how it is supposed to be.
I'm listening now to Give Me Jesus by Fernando Ortega. It's such a simple, beautiful song, yet profound in meaning. How often do I want to have other things besides Jesus. They may very well be good things, but really all that matters is Jesus. May I be content just to have Jesus, no matter what life may bring. Because I know that even in the midst of our current difficulties (seizures, grouchy baby, new meds, sick family members, financial worries, daily life, etc.), these trials are light in comparison of what's to come. And that terrifies me. But as long as I've got Jesus, I will get through. May my heart long only for Him, and the rest will come.
Give Me Jesus by Fernando Ortega
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus
When I am alone
When I am alone
When I am alone, give me Jesus
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus
When I come to die
When I come to die
When I come to die, give me Jesus
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus
Cristen and family...augh. I hate reading this and getting even a glimpse of your pain and fear and sadness. Yet, at the same time, it's amazing and encouraging to read of how Jesus is quietly coaxing you closer and closer to him. I'm thankful that your heart and mind are in a place 'good enough' to be thankful for so many things, and to be a wonderful, amazing, encouraging example for many others- May the Lord bless you tonight and give you restorative sleep...even for just a few hours here and there.
ReplyDelete-the moseleys
Sweetheart, I am so glad you are able to go to the Lord, and sing and cry and worship, during these times, that during the really really hard times,you run to be with the one who loves you and draws you with such a pure and perfect love. This is one of my favorite songs. Fernando is one of my favorite artists of all time. It was very late when I popped on your blog last night, as you know I was out but, I clicked on the link, and I shut all the noise out of my life and head and sang that song with Fernando. And I imagined you, recently doing that very same thing. I could almost see my young daughter, who in the blink of an eye, has had a life change and challenge, and gift, that is more painful than most can imagine, yet such a gift of love, all at the same time. Blessings and pain, great love and great sorrow, broken hearts and thankful hearts...sometimes I wonder how can one bear so much? Then, we look up, and see Jesus. He did. He bears all our sorrows, and promises to never leave nor forsake us. Yes, we hear people tell us that all the time...cause it is one of those easy things to say to people who are in crisis. Easy to remember. But reflect on the truth of that. It IS truth. It is promise. He will NEVER leave nor forsake you, Cristen, nor your baby Waverly. In reality, you will suffer more than she. Love, love her. God will take care of her. And He does have great purpose for her. Love you so much. Mom
ReplyDeleteHi Cristen, we've just started communicating about donating breastmilk, but I thought I'd take a look at your blog. I have no words that can take away your pain, but I'm so glad you know who holds you in His hands. That song has been on my heart and in my head for the last week. It really is the most basic plea, but the only one that matters, isn't it?
ReplyDelete